Adventures of Captain Oblivious & Standoffish Boy
by Asidian
Summary: Tsuzuki and Hisoka are our heroes, backed by a cast including Tatsumi the butler, Watari the advisor, and Muraki the arch nemesis. Standoffish Boy wants his revenge, but Captain Oblivious has more sinister fish to fry. Yaoi implications. Utter insanity.


Author's Notes: I apologize for this story. Profusely. The idea struck me in that state between awake and asleep, and wouldn't leave me alone until it was written.  
  
In case you can't guess, or it's that badly written (eheheh ^^), this is what happens when a certain shinigami and his partner become superheroes.   
  
Warnings? Yaoi implications. Utter insanity.  
  
Other than that-- enjoy!  
  
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The Adventures of Captain Oblivious and Standoffish Boy  
  
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It was dawn in Nagasaki, which is to say that neither of our heroes had yet opened their eyes, let alone considered leaving the safety of their beds.   
  
But somewhere in the city, trouble was lurking; awake and aware even at the ungodly hour, a man with one eye schemed and planned and made careful blueprints for future use. And elsewhere, evil of a more sinister nature was beginning to stir...  
  
~several hours later- much closer to noon~  
  
"Tsuzuki, you idiot," growled the younger of our heroes. "Get -up-."  
  
"Eh?" came the sleepy murmur. "But it's comfy, and I..." The rest was lost in a mouthful of pillow.  
  
"That's only because you're hung over," Hisoka pointed out, snatching said pillow from underneath his partner's head. "We have work to do!" He pitched his voice higher than absolutely necessary, watching with satisfaction as the half-sleeping man winced in response. "You promised we'd go after him today!"  
  
"Owww," groaned Tsuzuki. "Okay, okay! Just... less yelling."  
  
~several cups of sugar-laden coffee later~  
  
"Alright!" announced our hero, very much his usual, hyper self. He started with enthusiastic steps, tail wagging. "Let's go!"  
  
"The cave's this way," Standoffish Boy told him, pointing a thumb, tone just a touch unamused. Today was already far from what he'd expected.  
  
"Oh, right!"  
  
And they were off, Captain Oblivious babbling happily about where they would eat after they defeated their evil arch nemesis, the injustice of hangovers, the fact that they needed a mascot, how much he wanted Hisoka to try out the Professor's newest invention, the fact that breakfast had ended half an hour ago already...   
  
It was a welcome distraction when a tall man in glasses and a neatly pressed suit rounded the corner to greet them.  
  
"This way, sirs," Tatsumi told them smoothly, pulling on a candlestick to open a passageway in the wall. "You might notice that I made a few, small changes to your choice of transportation. I feel that it's in everyone's best interests."  
  
And then the entryway to the obliviouscave was thrown wide, and...  
  
"What..." Tsuzuki stuttered, taken aback. "What happened to the obliviousmobile?"  
  
His sidekick could only stare on in horror at the bright green little Volkswagen bug that had taken its place.  
  
"I sold it," the butler informed them calmly. "It brought a good price- and this way I was free to pick something with better gas mileage."  
  
Captain Oblivious gaped. Standoffish Boy fumed. Whatever comments they had planned were neatly cut off by the scary, scary look that their butler fixed on the pair.  
  
"I trust there are no complaints, sirs? Since I -am- in charge of finances."  
  
And since there was no delicate answer to -give- to Tatsumi when he was like that... "Ri... right."  
  
"Excellent," the butler concluded, expression shifting from icy threat to warm smile in two seconds flat. "Oh, and before you take on your arch nemesis, the Professor wants you to stop by. He has new equipment for you."  
  
Safely in the bright green bug, Captain Oblivious confided in his sidekick. "I'm glad -he- isn't our arch nemesis. He's scary."  
  
"...Idiot," Standoffish Boy declared.  
  
~one car breakdown and several tantrums later~  
  
"Yo!" greeted the Professor with a friendly wave. "Running late today, are we?"  
  
"Sort of," Captain Oblivious admitted. His sidekick moved to sulk in the room's corner, taking with him a small, fat owl to pet.  
  
"Well, I -am- glad you found time to drop by," Watari told him, handing over a folded piece of paper. "I found out your Doctor's location for you. He's a slippery one, that's for sure. Don't worry, Bon-- I wrote out the directions clearly enough that even Tsuzuki can follow them."  
  
With a wink, he turned to rummage through one of the drawers behind him. "I've been thinking of things that you two could, use, and... ah! Here's the first one!" Triumphantly, he presented the dangly piece of string.  
  
"It's a... shoe lace?" our hero hedged, uncertain. Despite himself, Hisoka moved closer to see what their personal mad scientist had concocted this time.  
  
"Oh, no!" the Professor wagged a finger. "It only -looks- like a shoe lace! If you twist the little plastic part on the end--" He did. "-then it turns into a whip!" Indeed, the man now held in his hands a fairly nasty-looking whip.  
  
"Wow!" Captain Oblivious was starry-eyed. "That's fantastic!"  
  
Standoffish Boy eyed it uncertainly. "But neither of us can fight with a whip, Professor. What are we supposed to do with...?"  
  
But the scientist had already turned his attention back to the drawer, and was pulling out the next invention. "Here! Isn't it cool?" The object in question seemed to be a perfectly ordinary wrist watch.  
  
"What does that one do?" Tsuzuki demanded, tail wagging furiously.   
  
"Welll," the Professor announced, leaning in as though to confide a secret. "When you press the time-set button, it turns into a pair of handcuffs!"  
  
"Ooh!" Captain Oblivious eyed the contraption curiously for a moment before handing it to his sidekick. "I kept the first one," he told the boy blithely. "It's only fair."  
  
Hisoka's face was a peculiar shade of pink. "Why the hell would I want them?!"  
  
"But there's one more!" Watari beamed. Holding up a tube of toothpaste, he showed it around before carefully unscrewing the lid. "See, it only -looks- like toothpaste." With that, the scientist squeezed a small amount of clear gel into his palm. "It's actually my special formula for lubrica--"  
  
Face tomato-red, Standoffish Boy dragged our hero from the room, ignoring the cries of protest from behind them.   
  
~several impatient explanations and a car trip later~  
  
"Is the Professor certain?" asked Standoffish Boy. His eyes were narrowed in what could only be called a monumental hatred; he had a score to settle, and the time had finally come. "Is this where the Doctor's hideout is?"  
  
"No," his partner corrected, jerking the boy from visions of slow, bloody ways to kill a certain arch nemesis. "There is an injustice much more grave that we need to be rid of, first."   
  
The peeved expression shifted to exasperation, a vague curiosity, and then acceptance. "Right. If it's that important..."  
  
Captain Oblivious led the way, speaking softly as he did. "It's been going on for as long as I can remember; this time, you can help me put a stop to it."  
  
"What could possibly...?" the sidekick began, but was interrupted when Captain Oblivious suddenly kicked in the door to the building before them. Moving to back up his partner, Hisoka could only stop and stare at the scene that greeted them.  
  
Half a dozen customers stared at the door, donuts various distances to their respective mouths and milk spread on the tables before them. On the other side of the counter, a wide-eyed clerk blinked, startled.   
  
"And now you see the injustice!" declared Tsuzuki. Behind him, the boy blushed at all the attention they were receiving. "For years I've patronized their establishment..." He turned pleading violet eyes on his partner. "...and still, they refuse to save me any jelly-filled ones!"  
  
For the space of several heartbeats, the sheer stupidity rendered Hisoka speechless. But by that point, of course, his partner had already swarmed the counter.  
  
"My revenge," the boy sighed plaintively, big green eyes moving from the super hero to the piles of donuts.   
  
"Ooh!" squealed Captain Oblivious. "Look, Hisoka! They still have some with sprinkles!"  
  
~owari~ 


End file.
